So hard my heart beats in me
That my chest bleeds out in pain,
Writhing, rather than the freedom that she wills, she feels enchained.
Knows even if she took such feeling-
Intuition she needs change,
There’s nothing she can do, this whole to-do becoming scary, strange
Noises, foreign voices,
Quite convinced that she’ll go crazy,
Pounding desperately the rib cage of her vessel, tired or lazy?
Discussing in low whispers with my conscious,
Facebook posts and lines I choke, my self awareness, fleeting
Are the hours between the darkness,
Yet the months span on for years,
There is no telling how much sleeplessness, how many unseen tears
Will plague these blue eyes, till the blue skies,
Are free to roam again.
I can’t pretend this balcony I love redeems me from this pen
Countless drafts that near the standard
That I think is near my best
But then I lose my confidence, so fearful of the coming test,
That there’s no way that I can do it,
I don’t know how this will go,
And in the moments where I care it’s like I’m drowning, super slow
Motion and the potion
That can soothe me brings me down
I see the lines get deeper on my face, scared to smile or frown.
Deep in thought, and staring,
But you think that I am tense,
So I smile and try to act alright, a well rehearsed pretence.
Though really, half the time I’m breathing,
I wish I would not
Sometimes it doesn’t seem so bad,
My certain death, the chance to rot.
In peace at last, no visions, pasts
Can torture in this sleep,
No friends, no jobs nor debts will find me-
I’ll be six feet deep.