Insomniac

I sent sleep a letter, she didn’t reply,

I dare not my bed go without her but I

Can hear you disgruntled, roll over and sigh,

I know it is cruel still to sit here, it’s five;

But you are a grown man.

You will survive.

I’ll have deja vu and tantrums,

For as long as I’m alive.

Imprinted oh so deeply,

That the hidden soon becomes,

As clear as day, but none can say

It seems the word, absurd, is mum’s.

Mum’s the word, follow the herd,

Repeating but don’t comprehend,

Acting out pre-written scenes and

Chasing dreams… playing pretend.

Reaping, sowing, weeping, growing,

Peeping, knowing, child’s tip-toeing,

Licking icing from your fingers,

Off-key lullaby that lingers,

Rooms with faces I don’t know,

Crying faces, joined in woe.

A certain smell in a certain place,

Familiar shadows on an unfamiliar face,

Familiar fears you thought had left without trace,

Phobias that roam here, his evil presence far from grace.

No matter how I love another,

What has been won’t be erased.

No matter how good your touch is

There’s parts of me that were displaced,

By another’s careless hands so pardon me for being bold,

For daring to refuse my love, for failing to do as I’m told.

For even if an inkling of rejection has been hinted,

And you don’t heed what I have told, alarm bells have been fitted,

Onto this mind so calm so kind so happy just to serve

Onto this mind who never was quite happy to sit and observe

Onto this mind whose friendliness got her much more than girls deserve

Onto this mind who’d rather die than for someone to have the nerve

To do this to her sister. Do it to her daughter.

Can’t even tolerate inseminations in a cow for slaughter.

Such abominations. Such terrors that you put me through

And yet I’m braver than if not for you.

I’m braver and I’m wiser but I can not say I’m stronger,

The days are harder cause of them:

I have held grudges, but no longer.

I will not declare my truths,

Risk perverse inspiration in these fucked up youths,

Risk the wrong kinds of opinions and the things they’ll say?

Imagining what other things may come my way?

Or maybe I will one day- never say never

But the burdens you placed on me I’ll bare forever.

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