tw: emotional abuse, s-h
Bleeding under toothpaste stains
On sleeves from which I can’t refrain
I am a mess I can’t be helped
No insult I’ve not called myself.
But I was not the first to do it
A mother who made sure I knew it,
Knew I was worthless,
Knew I got in the way
Knew that the best bet
Was to scare and send me away.
I wonder if you know
Are you really that blind
To the way we were treated
So harsh and unkind?
Can you really not see it?
Do you sleep at night?
Are you haunted by nightmares,
Hidden from sight?
Haunted by demons the ones that killed me
And the people that I and my loved ones could be.
I blame everything that is bad upon you
You built me this way what am I meant to do?
I feel like I’m nine though I’m long 22
You’d already abandoned me, by this age, hadn’t you?
Already you’d given up
Put yourself first
From the day any one lets you in
They are cursed.
I’d welcome you in
Time and again
But the feelings are forced
And I’m so bored of them.
I care for my siblings much more than my life
But I don’t think I’m willing to let myself lie
To let myself die still with feelings of shame
Never signed the form although I paid to change my name.
Somehow it’s abstract to you
That all the pain around
Is utterly preventable
If just your mind were sound.
If just your tone were sweeter
If just your rage would calm
If you could understand
The power of your vocal arm.
Your weapon and your tool your voice
The cruellest eyes and words of choice,
The notes that grind to the very core
So I say things back, things I mean and more.